An Ode to a Human Life

As I complete the 27th cycle around the mighty sun

I reflect;

On what it really means

To be human;

But to get here, I had to first

Reach deep, deep within my soul somewhere,

I had to give myself permission

To be fully human;

To embrace this rubbery flesh,

Guided by a group of highly-connected master-cells,

For long, I have carried the shame of being human,

(And for good reason, have ya’ll seen us lately?!?)

But what this shame cannot

And should not do is

Shroud the marvel that is also being human.

Our bodies and souls were nurtured here:

The universe’s darling planet,

A tiny celestial rock was granted life: Mamma Earth.

This life, not gonna lie,

Can feel like a blessing as well as a curse.

The eternal balance would be such that

Actions and consequences (aka karma??)

Flowed in and out of one another,

Making it simpler for life to grow in its environment.

Life acts,

Environment (human+non-human) reacts,

And depending on the action,

Life is either blessed or cursed by Environment.

But what happens when the consequences can NEVER find

A way back to Life that caused the action,

And instead, innocent Lives are lost.

This karmic debt bears me down

(As it should, as is natural)

But we shall not succumb to it.

We shall (and must) rise above it,

To tip the scales back in the right direction,

To bring ourselves to a human trial

Before the sky (invariably) falls down on us

To take us back home.

Before the children are swept up by water,

There must be justice,

So that we may finally,

Finally have some sweet peace.

To my pessimistic boos,

Who know that the apocalypse is already well-underway,

And feel like there is no point in even trying:

My dear ladies and gentlefolks,

If we must live through an apocalypse,

Wouldn’t you rather,

(In fact, now, more than ever)

We live in harmony,

As the family

That we have always been,

Instead of spiralling into chaos and confusion.

It’s true that we may never escape Nature’s judgement

But what can do is

Try ourselves,

Re-work our actions, and

Intend to bring balance back to Life

Before it inevitably and beautifully ends.

So when machines hang, they need to be restarted. And it’s a process, not a procedure. It needs to gracefully shut all its applications down, shut itself down, minding the loose processes, ensuring no damage is caused to any software. And that’s just half the work down. Then starts the tiring process of rebooting. Rebuilding the data, rebuilding the software. Re-starting every single process, one at a time. Addressing all the issues that it had artfully neglected while it was on the last time. There’re countless notifications, reminding it that it isn’t perfect, perhaps very far from it but there is hope. It’s still re-starting. There is always hope. And slowly, but surely, there it is, up and running, so much lighter, so much faster than before, having gracefullty dealt with whatever caused it to malfunction the last time.

So when a machine that computes 2378221921 X 42398212 in a fraction of a milisecond, takes at least a few minutes to complete this process, how much time should you allow your soul?

I Saw The Wolf In My Sleep

I saw the Wolf in my sleep. You’d call it a nightmare; But Hear me out, okay? We were locked in an embrace, His sharp paws swiftly cruising through territories that he’s all too familia…

Source: I Saw The Wolf In My Sleep

Talmahaar

Inhaling but not really breathing,
Looking but not really seeing;
I feel like I’m half a person:
A quarter shadow, a quarter dream

It wasn’t just thoughts I shared with you;
It was also the clouds…
It was also the trees and breeze,
It was also the sounds

You leaked words from your eyes,
Spilled sex from your lips.
You played songs on my body
With tunes from your tips…

I Saw The Wolf In My Sleep

I saw the Wolf in my sleep.
You’d call it a nightmare;
But
Hear me out, okay?
We were locked in an embrace,
His sharp paws swiftly cruising through territories that he’s all too familiar with.
Maybe it was the comfort of his familiarity that I craved,
Are you, in fact, telling me that this comfort isn’t long overdue?
I could hear the ocean inside of him
And how can that be a nightmare?
It felt like parts of me were finally glued together
So what if they weren’t glued together right?
At least they weren’t falling apart…
Maybe he didn’t whisper sweet nothings in my ear
But I could still hear
His rib cage expanding into a breath;
‘Twas the closest I’d been to a person’s heartbeat in so damn long.
So what if his kisses made me bleed,
Or if looking into his cold eyes sent chills down my spine?
What if his nail’s etched fresh wounds on the sides of my thighs…
He was just caressing what he loved,
Right?
So what if he only made room for skin,  not words?
He was just a Wolf being a wolf, you silly girl…

But you call it a nightmare,
So answer me this:
Why does waking up into real life feel worse?
Why does this morning feel like I’m not me,
But fragments of me scattered all over the floor?
Eyes that return from nightmare don’t long for more;

I hope you never know the horror of waking up into a nightmare
Instead of waking up from one…

I Once Met A Moon, A Star And A Sunflower

I once met a Moon, a Star and a Sunflower…

The Star I knew from a distance,
A great distance.
Her soul was a billion years old and yet she wasn’t cold;
She was warm,
She was hot
With explosions and chaos and god knows what;
But that wasn’t for me to see,
All I could see was her twinkle,
Her promise to shine
With her brightest glow,
Her tireless hope fueling millions of sparks every second.
Oh she was glorious…
She made me believe that tiny specs could light up the darkest skies.
She can light up the darkest skies.

The Moon was present;
Silent yet present…
There was no way you could escape her presence,
No way you could pass by her every night and not be in complete awe of her existence.
I watched her shrink and I watched her grow,
Waning and waxing;
Over and over.
Soft yet solid
So new, so young;
Romancing the Ocean, leading the Sky on…
A spirit so self-ruling, so self-directing
That it emancipated my own.
I didn’t need to hold her to bask in the moonlight;
Her light was music and cigarette smoke and everything you cannot escape,
Everything that calms the beating drums in your chest
She calms the beating drums in my chest

The Sunflower though,
Was mine to hold
She was mine to love
From the soul in my bones.
We shared bottles and battles late into the night;
It felt right
Something, for the first time, felt right…
We cut ourselves open, and the same blood poured.
Maybe we never shared a womb, but did share a wound.
My Sunflower girl, you helped me heal
When you took me in;
Made me a home out of my very own skin.
My Sunflower girl, you made me believe
That I’m more than burning tears
And reckless scars
And shoe-bites at parties.
That I didn’t need bras for support
Or silly boys tugging at my sleeve, validating me…
And every once in a while,
On the darkest night, you’d make me feel like the Sun,
In a bodycon armour, (lungs full of smoke)
Armed with lipstick swords and fun.

While it is true, that I really do,
I do love the Moon and the Star,
It’ll always be my Sunflower girl
Whom I hold closest to my heart.

The Rant

So there you are. Doing it right. Pleasing all. Making them proud. But here’s the thing: don’t. You don’t owe pride to anyone. Not to your lovers, neither to your siblings, not to your parents. You’re stardust. You exist in the Universe as a part of its evolution. You are who you are because it makes the Universe evolve. Not so your mother can brag about you.

Play the one role nature has given you. Be your true self. You dark lips and black nails are a part of the evolution. Don’t trade them for your peers’ approval.

Don’t trade your being for anyone’s approval. Don’t do it. For the sake of Science.

The Miracle

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Remember. You’re a miracle.

And the world will try its best

To make you forget.

To make you oblivious

Of the miracle that you are.

They’ll try to convince you

That miracles are perfect.

That they’re divine

And surreal

And without scars.

But you know that isn’t true.

Because the greatest miracle ever known

Is You.

One And Only

Analeigh Moreno strongly disliked several things around her at breakfast every morning. For instance, she disliked her bowl of cereal while she craved pancakes. She disliked her parents hustling around in the kitchen, constantly ranting something about getting late. She did not care about getting late and she definitely wasn’t going to hurry up. Not today.

“Your breakfast isn’t going to eat itself sweetheart.”

“It’s not breakfast if it tastes like death.”

“Remember how you lost 30000 ‘views’ after gaining some holiday weight? Taste is overrated, honey.”

“I guess.”

She couldn’t argue with that. Ana’s mother had mentioned the one thing she truly did care about; views. Her video blog was her only motivation to get out of bed every morning. Everything else was so futile. In front of the camera, she felt like her existence had purpose. Knowing that there were thousands of people who eagerly waited for her vlogs every week was more exciting to her than making out with Dylan.

She loved the internet. The internet wasn’t jealous of her, unlike her asshole friends at school. She locked the screen of her iPad to appreciate her features for a minute; a sharp nose, a shapely jawline, full lips and protruding collar-bones. The internet didn’t talk behind her back and start rumours about her. In fact, it rewarded her with wonderful views and likes. God knew she was paying the price for it, giving up ice-cream and burgers and fries and whatnot. But it made her feel so beautiful. Almost perfect.

She had a burning ambition to attain perfection, which she was so close to fulfilling. Her make-up tutorials were doing better than she’d expected. She was learning (and teaching) the art of covering up one’s flaws with the magic of cosmetics. Some day, she would have the perfect face, the only face devoid of any flaw, the one and only. And on that day, the internet would reward her with a million views. Chills ran down her spine.

She unlocked the screen of her iPad and smiled at her new record. 102,129 views.

---

Bahaar Malik was particularly bored that night. It was only 10 PM and she was already out of Tumblr pages to surf. Or maybe it was the screaming that distracted her from really paying attention to the screen. She hated summer. She was in Lahore for her break; back to the place she struggled so long to get out of.

“Just 4 more weeks,” she told herself.

“Aapi, I’ve got you water,” called out a tiny structure from outside her door.

“Thanks Zeena,” Bahaar murmured, “Tonight, make your bed in my room, it’s too hot to sleep without the AC.”

“Okay Aapi.”

The screams of her father were now replaced by the wails of her mother. She was too tired of her situation to decide which was worse. She plugged in her headphones, played her favourite song and happened to glance upon a particular thumbnail under related videos.

“How can this be?” she thought as the song played.

‘Flock of birds….hovering above…’

---

Scrolling through emails was one of Ana’s better liked pastimes. She loved glancing through all the compliments and flattery. The approval of her viewers was important to her, as it made her feel less worthless.

Of course, there were the occasional haters and perverts. They were mostly creepy men, sending her pictures of their erect penises. Others would call her a bimbo and other hurtful names, but to be entirely honest, she quite enjoyed this occasional hatred. She knew they were simply jealous of how beautiful she was. They knew they could never be her and it frustrated them.

So she blocked out the negativity and continued to feel good about her fan mail.

A certain subject line caught her eye.

“Face Twin?” Ana read it out loud.

There were recurring mails from the same ID, sent over the last two weeks.

Hey Analeigh,

I discovered your vlog today and noticed the most uncanny resemblance between our faces. It’s crazy! PFA a picture of me and I’m sure you’ll be amazed. How great is this? I can’t believe such an awesome person is my lookalike. 😀

Love,
Bahaar

Ana clicked on the attachment. Her gorgeous eyes widened. She let out a little laugh. This was incredible. Bahaar had her identical set of eyes, resting on the same cheekbones. Her nose was slightly more pointed, but make-up could easily hide such minor differences.

Analeigh Moreno was as relieved as she was amazed, for at that moment, she had perceived the idea that would get her a million views.

---

Bahaar Malik hated when silly notifications on her iPhone interrupted Crossy Road, as it usually killed her chicken.

But she didn’t care about the dead chicken this time. She felt a rush of excitement as she opened an email from her famous lookalike.

She had a good feeling about this.

---

Ana waited impatiently in front of her computer. Bahaar was already 4 minutes late. She re-read the emails she had sent her on her screen.

Hello Bahaar!

Please call me Ana. You were correct, this is incredible. I have some brilliant ideas which I would love to share with you. Do you think we could video-chat sometime? Say tomorrow, i.e. 3rd July at 1 PM, Central Time? Let me know if the time isn’t okay with you. If you have FaceTime, please call me at ana.moreno97@icloud.com.

Thank you so much for contacting me!

Love,

Ana

Bahaar had instantly replied, and seemed very excited about their video chat. It almost didn’t make sense that she was late.

Ana got her hands on some leftover lasagna that she was treating herself to, for her brilliant idea. Oddly enough, it felt like a first date and the thought made her stomach churn. She was all set to be her most pleasant self, to start a beautiful friendship that would result in a million views. The plan was flawless, she just had to get Bahaar on board.

The loud ringtone of FaceTime broke her stream of thought. She accepted the video call and a beautiful face flashed in front of her on the screen. Bahaar has clear skin, long, flowing hair and a face that Ana was way too familiar with.

-“Hey…am I late? The time difference is quite complicated to figure out.”

-“I hope this isn’t an inconvenient time for you. Where’re you from anyway?”

-“Well, I’m from Lahore, Pakistan, where I am right now. But I go to UChicago for college, so. And the time is perfect for me, it’s when I’m usually on the internet anyway. But isn’t it daytime there? Isn’t there some place you have to be right now?”

-“I go to high school, here at Austin, but it’s summer now. Besides, I hate high school anyway.”

-“I’m so sorry. It’s none of my business. I’m really glad you wanted to do this. You’re an actual famous person on the internet!”

-“God stop, you’re making me blush….”

Ana and Bahaar got along much better than either of them had expected. Ana felt an odd attraction towards Bahaar. She was just so ridiculously gorgeous. Ana had always been absurdly obsessed with her own face; she would call herself an extreme narcissist if her self-loathing didn’t get in the way. So she found it rather impossible to take her eyes off Bahaar’s beautiful face. She decided she had had enough of small talk; it was time to talk about business.

-“I must confess something to you. I suggested this video chat for a very specific reason. I have an incredible idea that I want to share with you.”

-“God I’m excited already. Please go on.”

-“So I have been thinking of how to make more interesting videos so that more people would watch them, and coming across this situation has given me a brilliant idea. How would you like to feature in my video?….”

-“Whaa…”

-“See, all we need to do is look identical. Make-up will take care of most of it, but will have to make slight changes, like getting a haircut. I’m really sorry but it is impossible for me to grow my hair as long as yours….”

-“Okay, hold on… So you want me to feature in your video with you? Is this, like, for real?”

-“Yes Bahaar. would you please do it?”

-“I would absolutely love to! This is great! When can we do this?”

Bahaar’s enthusiasm almost titillated Ana. She couldn’t quite explain the feelings she felt at the moment, but they were all good feelings. They decided to meet at Chicago, a week before Bahaar’s classes began and shoot the video.

And that was the plan; to make a great video.

---

Bahaar Mallick loved everything about Chicago.

[To be continued…]